The title says it all, this journey I am on is anything but easy. We've returned from our trip to potato country (idaho) and for the first time since Preston died it is just Jake and I. My sister is coming in a week, but when you live so far from family this break was expected. The past two days have just been dreadful. Wow, am I ever a downer! But to be anything less than honest would be a lie.
I am awashed in emotion, but mainly I am desperately lonely. Knowing that when we walk in the door, no one else will follow; not a minute later, not an hour later or even a day later. Mind you, jake is the most precious gift I could ever imagine! And he definitely entertains and comforts his mama! But it's nice to have someone on the same level as you at the end of the day. You know, someone who talks about more than just basketball and elmo:)
Speaking of how precious my Jacob is, I have to share a few stories. We have gone through alot of change - duhh Tara! But recently we have traveled alot, and had various ppl stay with us. And I'm pretty sure that is alot to understand for a toddler who thrives on routine. But he's been a trooper! However, on Friday he just wanted to be with his mommy. He says, "mommy, toya" (toys) he wanted me to play with him and usually I do, but all day was mommy toya! I had alot to do, but spending quality time with my munchkin is far more priceless then the smelly dishes! Needless to say I was tired!
That night was spent at Kristin and Jonathan's. Jake and I shared a bed and after putting him to sleep I peeked in on him to see if indeed he was actually asleep (my child hates bedtime). And he was not! As i walked over to give him one last kiss, he looks up at me and pats the pillow next to him and sais, "mommy, bed" (come to bed mommy). What a sweet boy! I won't always have these days so I need to treasure them. I only pray I can raise him in a way that both the Lord and Preston will be proud of.
I was angry this week. For various reasons. Angry at being alone. Angry that I don't have my old normal. Angry that I have to do all the household chores myself. Angry that I don't get a break. Angry that my sweet little boy doesn't have a daddy in this life. Angry that I feel so helpless. Angry that I want or need to cry so often. Angry that I start to feel a little better and then start to "feel" something again and have to work through another chapter in this book known as my life. These emotions are raw, and very real! I think it's entirely good and healthy to feel these, but not to let them control you.
I have a GREAT God who is leading me down this grieving journey and for that I am so grateful. I'd be in far deeper despair if I settled for anything less. While I know that the Lord leads me, it often brings me to my knees in absolute stillness and curiosity as to how he will refine my faith, how will he mold me through my circumstances? It often feels like what I am experiencing can't be used for anything good, but that is not true. The most frustrating thing about grief is that you are good one day and terrible the next and often don't understand exactly why ( I'd prefer to know why thank you!). But at the end of the day or week or month I have been able to look back and see how God has worked in me and through me in those good and bad moments and i cannot tell you how amazing it is to see God work! Having this hope - that God is refining my faith is incredible. I need to continue to remind myself of these "truths" (like right now!) or I would become lost in emotion.
Our Pastor talked today about how as Christians, God promises safe passage through the waters of this life - meaning on the other side of this life we will be welcomed into eternity, but there is no promise life won't be stormy! Boy do I know that. But what a hope knowing that this journey is not forever and on the other side awaits freedom and the presence of the ONE who carried us through these waters. To be honest, before Preston passed away I had heard many of these type of sermons and literally dismissed the fact that life could get difficult because I didn't want to face it. Living in a dream world felt so much nicer (but would lead nowhere) So I just hope that anyone reading this can be penetrated with the truth that life might and probably will get stormy, but what an amazing God we can put our trust in!! I hold to the truths in Psalm 18
"I love you, O Lord MY STRENGTH
The Lord is MY ROCK, MY FORTRESS
and MY DELIVERER;
my God is MY ROCK in whom I take refuge.
He is MY SHIELD and the horn of my salvation,
MY STRONGHOLD.....
In my distress I called to the Lord....
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters....
You, O Lord, keep my lamp
burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
IT IS GOD WHO ARMS ME WITH STRENGTH"
- verses from Psalm 18
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