It goes without saying that I have been grieving the loss of Preston for quite some time now... it comes in waves. Sometimes I miss him terribly and other times I'm more ok with what our life is. The latter of those feelings occurs more and more as time passes, AND as I am trusting that this was the Lords plan. From before time began Preston's first breath to his last were written down. He wasn't meant to be here today (I know he's ok with that!) and because the Lord works everything out for the good of those who love him then I know that we will be ok, the God who created this universe will not leave me out to dry - he has proved that over and over and over, he has and IS taking wonderful care of us.
As I grieve and even say good bye to 'Preston and Tara' (physically speaking) my mind is intrigued by the tomorrows - this is BIG for me to say when once I could only think about living the next hour let alone the next day! I guess you would say, in some form I'm beginning to move on - NEVER forgetting, but you cannot live in the past, you will drown and probably rot - seems like a strong word but fitting. I am realizing in a big way that a good life can still exist outside of the life I once knew as good. God gave me a wonderful relationship that I will always cherish and be thankful for. He gave me two wonderful, adorable little boys from Preston and they will always remind me of their daddy. I have so much to be thankful for. Much of who Preston was has made me into who I am today and i still continue to learn and be inspired by his life and character.
I loved Preston with all of my heart and I know he did the same, how amazing to be loved and to love! So today when I was reading another "widow's" blog (I still hate that word) she took the words straight out of my mouth, I can't say it any better so I'll let her.... "since I've had a big taste of what it's like to be happy with someone else, I don't think I want to live the rest of my life without that." That is the point all the above is trying to make. I want to love again because I've tasted love and it's incredible - it has made me a better person. Maybe my destiny is to be a single mom and alone, but I pray it's not. It's hard for me to tell you these words because I fear ppl won't accept them or judge me but I feel so strongly that God is leading me on this journey and this is where I'm at now. It really doesn't matter what ppl think because this is my reality and my journey.... I just couldn't hold out on sharing my heart any longer. And please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to date tomorrow - I'm just thinking about what the future may hold. A year ago I couldn't even imagine saying these words, no one could replace Preston. AND no one will - it would be different and yet still will be beautiful.
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