Better than I thought..

So the trauma session today was better than I thought it would be! I feared it would be worse, maybe I was afraid I would unravel so much I couldn't be put back together but that wasn't the case at all! 
I relived much of the accident, and everyone "feels," "remembers" differently but I chose to close my eyes and snuggle into the chair, I think me and the chair may have become bffs.  Pat let me do what I needed to as I relived the worse moment of my life, it was insanely emotional although not as tearful as I imagined.  The part I seemed to need to deal with the most was the twenty minutes that I held Preston in my arms, where he died and where I realized my life would never be the same - where the loss was initiated. And I really felt like I was there and I was able to talk through alot of it. It was so freeing to be able to just meet the memories I needed to and stay there as long as I had to. No interruptions, no children walking in, no "i have to go to bed."  It was a safe place, where I could express my emotion and have someone guide me through it, a controlled environment where I could be uncontrolled, make sense? 
And after it was all over I had relief. Like I had been holding my breath for two years over this and I finally breathed out. I can't even say why I instantly felt so relieved, I just talked and cried and relived and remembered things I didn't before and it made it better? ya it really did. All day after the session and I thought about the accident I didn't have this shattered heart, panic attack feeling. It's still sad, without question, but I wasn't screaming inside. 


All day I have been exhausted, headache and all. I mean utterly and entirely feel like I might pass out for a week if I close my eyes.... I have soo much going on right now and am overwhelmed with maybe doing too much and I just need to slow down, but I literally have so much planned I won't be slowing down until October! yikes! 
Tonight I shared a sweet and relaxing moment with my boys, it was all summed up when Jake said, "mommy, I love when you play with me" Anytime my sweet boy:) I filled the kiddie pool with pillows and balls and they jumped off the deck into it, then we lay there watching planes fly overhead and reading books. 


Tomorrow I am going for a much needed massage and pedicure... a gift from my girlfriends! Love you girls;) I will soak it for all it's worth. Then we're off to Cali for a few days, oh sweet beloved warmth I need you, I think Portland is confused and has been dipping into fall way to early!  We're going to see my college roomy that I've been saying I'll visit for 8 years so finally we're takin the trip! I am really excited to see her and her life:)


And thank you all for your encouragement and support, it means SOO much to me to see your comments, it's so so meaningful to know I am surrounded by such love!